Soliloquy
by jirle
Summary: A broken man contemplates his life and finds himself wanting. What Lucius Malfoy may have been thinking after the Final Battle.


As always, all characters you recognize belong to Ms. Rowling.

This story came to me last night in a haze of allergy meds...darn you pollinating trees! It is not my normal thing, so hopefully it makes as much sense as it did while I was dreaming it up. Also, this was done without beta, so all mistakes are mine. Feel free to point out my multitude of comma and grammatical errors and I will try to fix them up.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in – ever, and I was ashamed. Ashamed of myself, my family, the way I have lived. I have blood on my hands, in my home and in my soul such that I will never be able to spell them clean. A heavy despair has come over me, like a lead blanket. I – momentarily – considered ending my life. But that is not my way, the Malfoy way. I am Lucius Abraxas Malfoy, and last month my life was eternally changed. Last month, Harry Potter vanquished the Dark Lord, and now, I am under house arrest. Today, I am wandless, wifeless, childless and devastated. There is much time to reflect on how I came to be at this dreadful place in my life. There is so much that I truly regret, so much I did not see and now there will be no way to repent.

From the time I could begin to comprehend, it was drummed into me that Malfoys were better than everyone, superior breeding, magically and otherwise. Malfoys had the best homes, the best food, the best education, the best women, the finest clothing, best possessions – and all of the finest quality. Everything we chose to do was right and not only that, it was practically law. Those who did not see things our way were made to do so, by money or intimidation. Malfoys never loose an argument or a battle.

At Hogwarts, I was the Prince of Slytherin, much like Draco, I had my group of contemporaries throughout my schooling. We played together as children and were all from the best sort of families. Occasionally there was someone of 'lesser' birth or consequence that we allowed to associate with us – if they were useful and were willing to pay the price of our friendship. Most became Death Eaters along with us after Hogwarts, most are now deceased. One such was Severus Snape. He, I regret most of all.

Anyone with a half a brain could see that Severus, the boy, just wanted someone to care for him. He arrived the first day of my second year, slightly bruised, underfed, shabbily attired, and obviously friendless. Within the first week the older students could see he was being bullied by those over confident louts in Gryffindor.

We did nothing.

Within two weeks we noticed he could best the four of them and knew more dark spells than most of us did put together, and that was quite a feat.

We did nothing.

If only he would not have become friendly with the mudbl – uhhhmmm – muggleborn girl, Evans. Then we may have been able to do something for him. Even if he were the most social boy in the world, which he certainly was not, there were so many things against him and now a possible blood-traitor. He was worth less than nothing to us. We did use him occasionally for his knowledge, as a firstie he could write better papers than some of us, notably Crabbe and Goyle Sr. Naturally, Snape was paid for his efforts. In the following years, his raw ability attracted me to his possible use and we as a group decided to help Severus see the error in his ways and assisted him in separating himself from the – girl. He was absolutely besotted with her. We threw other, prettier, purer, more desirable women in his path and he never strayed. Not even after their rather public split in my sixth year, did Severus even look at another. Since he couldn't be bought that way, and now that the girl was no longer in the picture, we bought him with knowledge and power. That summer I brought Severus home with me that summer and gave him unlimited access to the Malfoy libraries and labs for his little experiments. That summer was when we were both introduced to the man formerly called Tom Riddle.

Everyone in Slytherin had heard of Tom Riddle, he was one of the most revered graduates of Hogwarts that Slytherin house had ever had. Head Boy, awards to the school, outstanding NEWTs, so very popular with the teachers, especially our Head of House, Slughorn. Sluggy kept Tom Riddle's award in his office and sang his praises during his 'Slug Club' gatherings. Nobody really knew what became of him after school however; apparently old Sluggy was a bit disappointed that Tom refused his 'leg up' and became a shop boy instead and then he disappeared. Then there were the rumors of the politics, the grass roots movement, because that was what it started as. Just an idea, a return to the values and way of life we all thought we were entitled to. Entitled – that word featured greatly in my life and would cause more trouble than I knew. But I digress – the day I met Tom Riddle.

My father called Severus and I to his study shortly after luncheon, and introduced us to the man. I was introduced as Father's heir apparent and Severus as "that very talented boy who is Lucius' little friend." I wasn't sure which of us to be offended for; nobody ever described me for any particular talent, sometimes Father could be a bit pompus. When Tom Riddle turned to us and shook our hands, we were immediately, entranced is the wrong word, but certainly taken with the man. He paid attention to us, had tea brought in and spent time with us, listening to our ideas. He took special notice of Severus' experiments in potions and spellwork and commended us both on our dedication to learning. He then spoke to both of us about how his political movement could use students like us, with our values and potential. Riddle was so charming, the both of us would have kissed his ring at that point – which in retrospect should have told us something – we readily agreed to work with him. In subsequent visits, we were given our roles, I was to recruit like minded individuals to the cause and Severus was to create potions and spells. Riddle would sponsor Snape's mastery and in return Snape would work for him to better wizard kind.

That kind of responsibility and attention were quite heady for us both. Frankly, the most attention that my father had given me was to instruct me on how I needed to behave, or improve my grades, or instruct me in family history. Severus' father was a Muggle and the worst sort of those therefore no father at all. Tom became somewhat a father to us all in the next few years while he was building the group that would become his Death Eaters. I am not sure when things changed, or if it was just perception, but at some point Death Eaters were not a just political movement anymore. The older members started becoming more, physical, and violent. At one time, I wondered originally why we couldn't just buy the change in laws that we were seeking. The elders explained that there were too many Blood-traitors in high positions of government and we had to make a strong statement. Those of pure lineage like Fudge were being railroaded on once side by those, like that awful excuse for a Headmaster, Dumbledore while they really agreed with us. The time had come to free Fudge and give him the tools to be able to cast off the muggle lovers and blood-traitors and run the wizarding community the proper way. Extreme measures were called for to gain the desired results. We 'new recruits' were started out small. We were encouraged to 'muggle bait' and the like; it didn't stay small for long.

Then night after I came home to Malfoy Manor for the first time after graduating Hogwarts, Mother gave me a lovely party. Family and friends were all there (Severus was unable to attend due to the death of his mother,) and I was honored to have Tom Riddle himself in attendance. After supper the men and Cissy's sister Bella, for some reason, all went to the outside to have cigars and brandy while the ladies retired to talk about whatever ladies talk about. Tom gave a magnificent toast, and those of us who graduated the day prior were all asked to come forward. We were all asked to pledge our allegiance to the Death Eater movement and were given a tattoo on our left forearm. It was the most painful thing that had ever happened to me in my life, worse than when I broke my leg in the quidditch match fifth year. I had known of the dark mark of course, we all did, but that did not exactly ready us for the reality of the pain and the feeling of the – for lack of a better word – invasion of magic. It took a long time to get used to. It took even longer to get used to being summoned by the mark, the subtle burn letting us know a full fledged call was coming. The initial burn was a courtesy, really, to allow us to extract ourselves from whatever business we were partaking in at the time. I must admit that that part never sat well with me. Malfoys were leaders, not followers, were in control of our destiny, not victims of it. I made the mistake of telling my father these thoughts and that was the first and last time he struck me in my life. He told me that I had pledged my life and I had better stand tall and face the consequences of what I had agreed to and believed in. Malfoys did not disobey their patriarch and that was the way it was. After a lengthy discussion of how Riddle could catapult my career in the ministry once his political movement was recognized as a party and voted into power, I was effectively hamstrung. My father's logic was sound, and at the time it wasn't that terrible of an inconvenience.

As time went on, my role with the Death Eaters shifted. It was a few months after I had married Cissy and it was obvious my father was quite ill and wouldn't make it through this bout of Dragon Pox. Really, Dragon Pox at his age, anyway. We had just learned of Cissy loosing her first pregnancy and my job as Junior Undersecretary to the Minister was looking as if it would become stagnant. A mudblood was promoted ahead of me under the Fair Employment Practices Act, and I was completely outraged. To make matters worse, the man was a true incompetent. Always currying favor with the Minister and the various department heads and he didn't know the first thing about politics, just disgusting, and appalling manners. All the political clout our family name held, all the money the family donated to Fudge's causes, at least the ones that benefitted us seemed to be amounting to nothing. I was instructed to be calm and use my position to gather intelligence on the inner workings of the Minister's office. I did so, and was remarkably efficient, if I don't say so myself. I gathered details of who visited and when, who bribed, who begged. When people arrived, when they went home, who they were sleeping with when they got there and went out. I received word that Tom Riddle was very pleased with my efforts. So pleased, that I was to be allowed to join in a 'mission'. When next I was summoned, I was given a fine black cloak of spider silk and a white mask. The cloak was in observation of my new rank in the Death Eaters, now an operative, the mask was for anonymity. I thought I looked rather dashing.

We all took a portkey to a home in Devon, just an ordinary humble home nothing like my own. We were to go in and 'scare' the man inside. I learned this meant to provoke a fight and to kill the target in question he didn't immediately cower to our demands. In this case it was my new co-worker who was the target. I took it upon myself to make sure he fought back and didn't enjoy the experience. His wife was foolish enough to try and defend her husband and died for her efforts. I later learned my co-worker never survived the experience. I was chosen to return to the Dark Lord (as I was instructed to call him now that I was an operative,) and report our success. The Dark Lord was most pleased, and called the rest of the Death Eaters to share the news. A few men from my 'operations group' returned with some women and a lot of spirits and we all rejoiced. This was my first kill and it was absolutely exhilarating, it was a high that I had never felt. The power of holding a life in my hands and choosing whether or not it survived, better than the best fire whiskey, better than sex. My new team mates gave me a drink, and we all toasted until dawn. It was one of the early revels, which over time grew progressively more violent. I also remember it as the first time Cissy made me sleep on the couch for a week, and we have twenty three other bedrooms. She is devilish with charms, I never neglected to let her know if I was going to be late ever again.

The next year and a half saw the action intensify, during my public life in the ministry and in the Death Eaters. I gained the promotion I had rightfully been owed and now had great influence with the Minister and was making headway in the various departments within the ministry. I seemed to have a knack deciding who was appropriate to induct to the Death Eaters, who would be solely bribe material and would not be a good fit and who to leave alone entirely. The Dark Lord was very pleased with my abilities and promoted me quickly within his ranks. In the evenings, several days a week I joined the 'operations groups' and we went about Death Eater business. I developed skills there too. I had a particular skill for torture; Severus probably never knew his little cutting spell could be used to such advantage. As long as I was very careful and controlled I could actually finely fillet a person and gain much information before they actually bled to death. I had also developed an almost animalistic blood-lust that came in the time after these interrogations, the revels filled those needs. Certainly I wouldn't expose my wife and newborn son to such base needs. Even then I knew it was wrong, but I was – addicted, to the adrenaline, power. The wrongness was easy to bury when I knew that our cause _was_ making a change. Sure, we were a little over the top, but the people were listening. The politicians were beginning to capitulate. A few sacrifices must be made, a few liberties must be curtailed to benefit the good of the cause. The old fool Grindelwald was right about one thing. It was about the greater good of the wizarding world, and it seemed as if we were the only ones who knew what right was. If changes were not made our world would loose its traditions and values.

The Dark Lord was becoming increasingly agitated, there was a prophesy regarding one who would vanquish our Lord. Severus had been sent to gain a position at Hogwarts, we were in desperate need of a spy in Dumbledore's ranks, and heard the telling just prior to his interview. He hastened to return and inform our Lord, and this sparked a series of events which would change everything. The Dark Lord took the prophesy to mean that a boy must be killed, one that was born in July of that year. I was never so thankful that Draco was born earlier that year. Later that October, it was learned that all children born in that month were targeted, just in case. I was exempt from that task as I was on a different mission for my Lord. The Dark Lord started with the children born to the order that month since they were the most likely to meet the 'thrice defied him' clause of the prophesy. He planned to first remove the Potter boy, then the Longbottom boy in the same evening along with the parents so there was no room for retaliation. Then Severus – poor Severus – made a bargain for the Mudblood's life. I have never seen a more pitiful display, and for the likes of her. Such a disloyal person to Severus who had protected her for years, I had no use for her. Looking back on things, I believe that was truly the moment we lost Severus; he was never the same after that night, no fire in his eyes. He stopped coming around for tea, and to visit Draco except when Cissy bullied him into it. Then that Halloween a small boy somehow defeated our Lord and our whole world changed again.

I wasn't there that night, but a week later I scraped Severus off the floor of the floor of his home – I thought he was dead for a few moments, well he was dead drunk – didn't the man know how to call a house elf? He was absolutely inconsolable; I notified Dumbledore that Severus wouldn't be returning to Hogwarts for a few days, took him to the Manor and set about sobering him up. Fortunately the school was closed for the week due to the 'celebrations' or he would surely have had trouble. Severus and I had a long discussion; we decided the Dark Lord wasn't truly dead, firstly because our marks hadn't disappeared. Prophecies were so vague. So we would just stay where we were do our jobs and live life the best we could and wait for our Lord to return, if he returned. I covertly contacted our other brothers and we all agreed to do the same, those of us who weren't in Azkaban after that week. Bloody Bella, was supposed to wait for the Dark Lord to go to the Longbottom home after the Potters and didn't wait. The Aurors had some intelligence and caught the four Death Eaters, but not until the Longbottoms were crucioed into pudding. I did feel mildly sorry for that boy, having to live with Augusta, quite the battleaxe that one.

The following months were quite strained; the Department of Magical Law Enforcement went on an extensive hunt for subversives (as they called us). Everyone was questioned, nobody held above the rest. I had to spend an extraordinary amount of gold to ensure the Malfoy name was not besmirched. In the end I bribed enough Wizengamot members that were not already loyal or vague so that I was believed when I used the 'Imperiused' defense.

It wasn't long before the general community forgave our digressions, especially since they all wanted something from us whether that be to the fantastic parties or the large donations and soon the world began to return to normal. For some ten years, life was relatively uneventful. It was the happiest I have been in my entire life. Cissy and I, along with Draco held court in the Wizarding World and our influence was unequalled. Even Severus joined us for several weeks in the summers, took his god son off of our hands and Cissy and I had quality time together. Soon enough Draco turned eleven years of age, and that September would see him in Hogwarts. Cissy did kick up quite a fuss about that. I wanted the boy to go to Durmstrang and NOT to be under the influence of that old fool. Cissy didn't want him going so far away from us, and in the end, since our friend Severus would be there and would be his Head of House; I gave way in interest of domestic peace. Malfoys had been in Slytherin since the opening of the school after all.

I had hoped that Draco would befriend the Potter boy. After all, the boy had to be powerful to bring down the Dark Lord and with the right help, the boy could be brought around to the right way of thinking and be a valuable asset. It was rumored that the boy had been sent to live with Muggle relatives who mistreated him. A few of we 'brothers' discussed at one time going to rescue the boy from those vile people but the protection was too great for us to pinpoint where he was exactly. We decided in the end that his hatred for his relatives, should it be properly cultivated, would be beneficial to swaying the boy to our side. When the Dark Lord returned, if the boy was an ally, we would all be rewarded and the Dark Lord could make him an asset or rid the world of him as he chose.

This was not in the cards however. The Potter boy had the misfortune of sitting next to the youngest Weasley boy (had to be a Weasley) and Draco, despite my careful training, completely botched the situation. He was only eleven after all. It was a great opportunity lost, as the Potter boy was sorted into Gryffindor like his useless parents, there were such high hopes he would be in Slytherin so Severus could guide him properly.

Draco and the Potter boy became arch enemies over the year. Draco's letters home were filled with their mutual spats and half baked schemes to get each other in trouble. Even worse Draco was being bested in every class by some Mudblood and best friend of Potter at that. Bloody Dumbledore was loosing his mind, allowing a firstie on the Quidditch team. I remember thinking at the time, maybe it would solve all our problems and the game would kill the boy before the Dark Lord returned. No such luck. That summer, during Severus' annual visit he let us know the fantastic events of that year that Draco didn't have privy to. The incompetent Quirrell was actually being possessed by the Dark Lord and almost succeeded in killing the Potter boy but the boy was able to best the Dark Lord again. Why didn't our Lord come to me? I would have assisted him. I would have done anything for him. I know why he didn't go to Severus; I knew he was a spy for Dumbledore now. I even believe he knew that I knew – we just didn't speak of it. I thought as long as Severus' interests in that vein didn't cross mine I would let his activities go on, it may come to my advantage one way or another at some point. At the very least I would have leverage over my old friend. One thing I always knew about Severus, is that he absolutely adored Draco. No matter our current politics, it could be assured that Draco would be taken care of. I didn't know how very important that would be in years to come.

In Draco's fourth year, the Tri-Wizard Tournament came to Hogwarts and the Quidditch World Cup came to England. By this time, I no longer held a post in the Minister's office, but had semi-retired to several committees not to mention my more full time job of influence peddling throughout the ministry. Everyone was busily ensuring that both major events would be successful, and more than that, we knew that our Lord was returning. Our marks had been getting darker, and Pettigrew was sighted in the town of Little Hangleton. That little sycophant would be close to our Lord, no matter what. He was finally on his way back. I was no longer one hundred percent sure I wanted him to return. Life had been really fine for the last several years and for the first time since that first week I joined, I had doubts. I pushed them aside, it would be way too dangerous for my family if I didn't. The Dark Lord was a master legilimens after all, he could figure anything out. Best not to show any weakness.

I dared not go to Hogwarts, word was that blasted Auror Moody was teaching DADA and he had already assaulted my boy, not that Dumbledore did anything about it, old fool. I wanted to talk to my friend, but I couldn't talk to Severus, with his loyalty in question, I had to distance myself. I also didn't want to run into that despicable man Karkarov. Some small part of me was glad the Dark Lord was returning just so vermin like him would be eliminated. He gave up so many of our brothers just to save his own skin. Really, the man had no chance at all, such arrogance to even come to England when he knew the Dark Lord must be returning. If I were he, I would have run much sooner than he did, not that it did him any good in the end. That year, waiting took quite a toll on all of us, I must have taken a years supply of antacid potions. I know I drank more than was healthy, Cissy worried about me so, and I had to tell her about the mark eventually. I have never seen my wife so scared. Like any good Pureblood wife, she tucked her emotions away and planned a large party for the end of the year, we knew it would be time to welcome home all of our Brothers and our Lord by then.

One fateful night that June, we were finally put out of our misery and were called to our Lord's side once more. I knew it was the night of the last task of the tournament, and that there was something going on, but I knew not what. Severus had owled us that there had been strange occurrences and to keep our eyes open, more than I could have hoped for in the circumstances. Once I got my bearings in that graveyard, I was again terrified that I couldn't see Severus. I was very afraid that this meant he would never return and I would loose my friend forever. Then I saw a dead boy, I almost collapsed when I realized he didn't have blonde hair so it couldn't be Draco. I believe I was rather fuzzy for a moment, because the next thing I remember was the Dark Lord questioning me as to why I hadn't sought him out. I like so many replied that we had no idea how to proceed; we all took our punishment that night. Suddenly, we heard the Dark Lord address Potter! Potter was disabled; maybe this would mean the end soon. Then the Dark Lord released the boy and forced him to duel, and the most extraordinary thing happened. They were both encased in a cage of light and while we couldn't see exactly what was going on, we felt as if we couldn't enter the cage to assist our Lord, he probably would have killed us to do so in any case. Then just as suddenly the cage broke and the Potter boy disappeared with the dead boy. Our Lord didn't rise for some large part of an hour. Nobody dared to assist him except Bella, he did not thank her either. Then finally, Severus apparated in and immediately knelt down at the Dark Lord's feet while explaining that Dumbledore held him back. I have never been so relieved to see the man. Our Lord dismissed most of the Death Eaters except his inner circle, and ranted about the prophesy. He now knew there was something else, something important that was missed when Severus was interrupted that fateful. It was now our mission to discover what the full prophesy was at all costs. He crucioed Severus for his failure and was still cursing him when we were all given our permission to take our leave. I hung back and helped Severus back to Hogwarts, there was no way the man could have made it without splinching himself. Even though I hated to do it, I sent a patronus to that muggle loving fool come get Severus. It would be the first of many, for Severus' loyalty would come into question numerous times over the next year.

We tried many, many things to get that prophesy. The Order of the Phoenix, tried to thwart us at every turn. We did nearly get rid of Arthur Weasley though with that dreadful snake, can't have everything. The most notable attempt was imperiousing Unspeakable Bode into taking the prophesy off the shelves to bring it to us. We didn't truly understand we were doomed to failure until we finally bribed an Unspeakable who explained the way the prophesies really worked and who could obtain them. Since it wasn't as if the Dark Lord could just pop in to the Ministry to retrieve what belonged to him, (it was rather convenient that Fudge was insisting that the Dark Lord wasn't around after all) so the Dark Lord decided to pull that project back from us.

The one highlight of the year was meeting Delores Umbridge, she was naturally inclined to our work, so deliciously nasty. I didn't even need to bribe her to attempt to remove Potter from Hogwarts during the summer, just needed to suggest that he was the root of all of the problems our kind was having and let her turbulent little imagination run away with itself. I did hesitate for a moment when we needed to place someone at Hogwarts in the DADA position, I knew she would do a bang up job, but I was also pretty sure she would eat her own young and didn't really want her near Draco. However we kept her busy, and Draco in her good graces, with some good old fashioned fawning and then the genius idea of the Inquisitorial Squad later on that year. I couldn't help but think that Draco was having a bit too much fun with the Inquisitorial Squad though, by this point I really didn't want Draco to become a Death Eater. I didn't see how we could avoid it though. Hopefully Severus would find a way to exert his influence on the boy.

The Dark Lord summoned the Inner Circle one day towards the end of May that year to let us know to be ready at a moments notice. Bella and I were to lead a team to the Department of Mysteries where we would wait hidden and the Dark Lord would arrange to have us hijack the prophesy. That could only mean that the Potter boy would be there, and where he went so would his little friends. With Dumbledore away from the school, and McGonnagle incapacitated (Umbridge was to take her out during exams), this should have been a relatively easy mission. Should have been. What it actually turned out to be was the beginning of the years of Hell.

To say that the mission at the Department of Mysteries was a disaster would have been generous. The little shits were actually passable duelists and were quite creative, and fast. We practically destroyed the whole department, years of research was ruined and we didn't get the prophesy. At least Bella killed her good for nothing blood-traitor cousin. I never liked that boy, he was abominable to Severus, nearly killed him in his seventh year. If I had known about the Werewolf – well let's just say it would have been an entirely different outcome. I digress, the Dark Lord arrived to take the prophesy as planned and Dumbledore was there to stop him, not as planned. It was a spectacular duel, but we were all seen and all there were arrested and sent to Azkaban. What happened for the next year, I know not, it was all I could do to stay sane around those Dementors. I closed my mind and did my best to keep it closed; my mind was all I had left. I was quite terrified, considering how Bella fared last time, and it was such a long time, every day was so slow. The following summer when we were broken out of Azkaban, I almost wished I could go back in. The Dark Lord had taken over my house, my accounts, my wife was his prisoner of sorts and my son was a Death Eater. A Death Eater who had just failed to kill Dumbledore as he was tasked, fortunately the Dark Lord really never expected him to succeed. I wasn't really surprised to hear that Severus had done the job for him. I knew my friend wouldn't have let Draco do this, killing wasn't really in Draco. I was horrified when I heard the whole story of the Unbreakable Vow, but I couldn't very well take anyone to task about it, I was completely emasculated, no authority. The Dark Lord took my wand when he went after the Potter boy again just before his birthday, much good that did him.

My home has been turned into a muggle horror movie. That bloody snake of his has taken up residence in the Blue Room, the SNAKE has it's own room, the Dark Lord has taken the entire East Wing. The detestable Wormtail, has the job of milking and feeding it thankfully. The dungeons are filled with captives, muggles and wizards alike for the enjoyment of our Lord. I have secretly asked my elf to ensure that they at least have enough food and water so that they don't die that way. Most of the time I am kept by my Lord's side so that he can berate me, and punish me. The Dark Lord has taken Draco's education upon himself during school breaks and is teaching him how to use Dark Magic and unforgivables with Bella's help. I am so worried about the boy. I can tell that the stress is unbearable; he is just not cut out for true dark magic use. He should be meeting girls, having fun with friends, but my mistakes have led him to this. I never wanted this for him. Poor Cissy, I truly love her, despite this being an arranged marriage. To have to watch this all happen in her home, where she should be safe and pampered. It was all too much. There were times I wished I was back in Azkaban, or dead.

At least Severus is safe as Headmaster of Hogwarts. The Dark Lord is understandably pleased with him. I believe that Severus and Dumbledore must have cooked up some scheme between them so that Severus would kill him and become headmaster under the new regime. I just hope my friend was smart enough to make himself an insurance policy should things not come out favorably in the end. I wish I could talk to Severus, I am not allowed the use of magic and Severus' visits to the Manor are fleeting at best. He did have to deal with the Carrow siblings though; they were arrogant berks, with no breeding and little sense between them. They did have a lust for power and what better place to gain that but a place where children would be subservient to you and you could enforce your believe system against their will. I am sure Severus had his hands full dealing with them. At least they left Draco and his friends alone.

Thankfully, the Dark Lord decided to travel outside the country for a while giving us some much needed respite, though I still didn't have my wand, at least I had the freedom to move around my house without being cursed. I wonder if anyone has done any study on long-term cruciatas cursing on wizards. I am sure this will present issues later on in life. Even now, I occasionally shake, just small tremors but it does make it difficult to hold a quill, especially in cold wet weather. This would have been a quiet month, but the Snatchers caught some children, I was sure at the time that it is the Potter boy, Weasley and the Mudblood along with several others I didn't recognize as well as a goblin. I didn't say a word, beyond prompting Draco to identify the children. He said he wasn't sure who they were, but I knew he was prevaricating. Maybe this would be the key to getting my family out of this situation. The Dark Lord would reward us for turning the children over, and maybe I could get my wand back. I was just about to summon our Lord when Bella completely went berserk when she saw the antique sword that the snatcher had. She insisted that something was wrong and stopped me from contacting the Dark Lord. She proceeded to lock all but the Mudblood in the dungeon, I was becoming incensed. This was MY home. She tortured the girl unmercifully, with crucio and a cursed knife. It was then I saw something I never expected, something I realize now was a turning point for me. Under torture, the girl lied right to Bella's face, I was certain of it. It was such a Slytherin thing to do, and to keep your head under torture from Bellatrix was no small feat. Many lesser people had gone insane. The next few hours were a whirl, Dobby of all things helped the children escape, we all ran from the Dark Lord's wrath and did our best to stay out of his way for the next several weeks. Things were no better when one evening a group of goblins requested our Bella's audience to explain the circumstances around the break-in at Gringotts. I was further impressed, it had to be the girl, certainly the other two couldn't have pulled off such a plan without her. We all immediately took cover when the goblins finished relating the tale. The Dark Lord was the angriest I have ever seen him, to this day the elves have not been able to completely clean that room.

Hours later we all found ourselves in what we now call the Final Battle. Draco had been sent back into the school with his friends. I was truly worried, if Potter was there, that was where the fighting would be. Above all, I wanted my family safe. Cissy and I had discussed this situation at length during our short reprieve while the Dark Lord travelled. We decided that our best bet was to go in with the Dark Lord, to storm the castle, so to speak. We would then pretend to fight and find Draco, Severus if we could. Meanwhile we would be keeping up appearances as best we could with the Death Eaters, do as little as we could at the same time. The main thing would be to stay as safe as we possibly could. If we were lucky we would be classified as non-combatants, at worst arrested as Death Eaters, but at least we would be alive. I had retrieved my father's spare wand from his old trunk, it never really worked well for me, but it was better than nothing. That was what we did for the most part. It was a very long time before we could find Draco, we feared the worst. After some time, the Dark Lord summoned me to his side and asked me to bring Severus. I tried to stall him; there was something that didn't seem right to me. I even offered to get the Potter boy for the Dark Lord, hoping I could draw attention away from my friend. In the end he could not be persuaded and I could not appear to disobey. I found Severus dueling in the woods, and at the next opportune moment told him of the Dark Lord's request for his presence. I warned Severus that there was something wrong, something felt odd. Severus asked me the strangest thing, he asked if Nagini was with the Dark Lord. I let him know that the snake was in a protected spell and with our Lord. Severus blanched, if you can imagine that with his skin tone, and asked me if I could do two things for him. First, if I ever saw the snake again, to kill it. Second, to go to Spinners End and inside a particular book in his library was his will, I was to execute it on his death. My friend knew he was going to die. I asked him not to go, if Malfoys begged, I would have. Severus grabbed my upper arm in a strong grip and squeezed. He closed his eyes and turned, making his way to the Shrieking Shack. I never saw him alive again. He was the finest friend I ever had.

The Dark Lord had us regroup in the Forbidden Forest, I was able to tell Cissy what had likely happened to Severus so she wouldn't over react when we were told. We still hadn't found Draco, and he didn't return with us to the forest. We were both so worried. Then the Potter boy showed up and he refused to draw his wand on the Dark Lord, the fool. I should have expected the unexpected at this point, when the Dark Lord's curse hit Potter they both collapsed. They were both down for minutes, then the Dark Lord stirred. Cissy was made to check Potter and she declared him dead. When she came back over to me and told me Potter told her Draco was alive, I was so relieved. We played our parts and again used the procession and ensuing confusion to gain entrance to the castle to find Draco. Finally we found Draco, a little dirty and slightly injured, but none the worse for the wear. By this time everyone had migrated into the Great Hall. Molly Weasley of all people had just picked a duel with Bellatrix. It was possibly the most furious duel I have ever seen, I was actually impressed with the Weasley matriarch. I didn't believe she had that in her. Even the Dark Lord was watching while dueling some of the Hogwarts professors. When Molly slew Bella, and Harry revealed himself, we all moved to the edges of the room to watch what we knew was the climax of the war. It was just a matter of who would win.

I couldn't believe the little showoff won with a first year disarming charm – again. I am not complaining all that much though, I don't believe my family would have survived under the Dark Lord's regime. At least this way, we have a chance. Maybe I will have to go back to Azkaban, but without the dementors it won't be so bad. I made sure that everyone within hearing distance knew what Cissy did, giving Potter the chance to sneak in the castle, perhaps that would help. The 'imperious' defense wouldn't work this time. Too many people saw too much.

Poor dear Severus, I was so sorry he couldn't see this end to the war. I was even sorrier that Potter spilled the man's story out to the entire population of the Great Hall. Severus was such a private man, he would have been so humiliated that everyone knew of his lifelong love of a woman who never loved him in return. I knew my time here was short, the Aurors would be upon me soon, but I needed to ensure that Severus was taken care of, that his body would be respectfully taken care of. I didn't know who I could trust to do this who would follow through and wouldn't be swayed by the past. The Granger girl, she was perhaps the only one who would do this thing properly. I walked up to her in the hall; remarkably she wasn't surrounded by her toy boys. I saw fear in here eyes, but she stood and straightened herself and looked me right in my eye saying nothing. I asked for her assistance to bury Severus and in getting his will from his home in Manchester. She already knew that Severus had passed, had seen the great snake, and was apparently deeply affected by it. I cannot blame her it was a horrible death, my poor friend. Perhaps I have made the right choice for the first time in a long time. I found my family and we just sat down in the middle of the Great Hall embracing each other and waiting for what happened next.

After hours, though it seemed much longer, we were informed we would be held under house arrest until the community stabilized and trials were setup. House arrest was not Azkaban so we happily complied. In the days to come, Cissy was released as was Draco. Potter actually vouched for Cissy's behaviour and Draco was never seen dueling during the final battle. Additionally it was made known the boy was forced to take the mark by some memories Severus had left behind. Cissy took Draco to our estate in France to get away from it all. Ironically, he will finish his final year at Durmstrang as was my original wish. Cissy couldn't stay in England, she couldn't take the constant reminders of what had happened in our home, she remained in France. I can't blame her, I was tempted to burn down the place myself. So, now I am here by myself as I have been for the last week with nothing to do but think about what a disaster I have made out of my life. What I drug my family through for false pride, power and a quest for purity.

In the midst of my self loathing, I found myself thinking of the Granger girl. She was as always a shining example of the opposite of what I believed in all of my life. She wasn't inferior at all; she was intelligent, kind, attractive and arguably powerful. Her main fault was that she didn't understand the way of things. Didn't respect our traditions. The house elf thing...honestly, she didn't understand some things at all. I found myself wondering if anyone explained our traditions to her. From what I now know of her, I can't believe anyone did. It is not as if they wrote books on this sort of thing. It was something your parents taught you, that their parents taught them and so on. If nobody explained our world to her then how was she to learn. Integration was certainly lacking for these children. Perhaps part of the solution would be education from both directions, the traditional wizard to understand the muggle lifestyle and mindset and for the muggl- born and raised an introduction to customs and culture they were expected to live in.

I am so deeply ashamed, I have been so near sighted that I have excluded a whole group of witches and my whole life due to the circumstances of their birth rather than their abilities, or our compatibility. Everything I was ever taught about Muggl- borns was wrong. I thought back to my ministry job, the wizard who was promoted above me, the first man I ever killed. I remembered our work habbits and ethic. I must admit that truthfully, Jones was a better Undersecretary. I spent my time networking, alright, bribing, snooping and gathering information for the Dark Lord and not much time doing my actual job. Jones was there every day before I was, and left after I did. He actually had to be quite ambitious and intelligent in order to get that job in that administration in the first place, and I killed him for it. His wife, his whole family was wiped out because I had a temper tantrum about not getting a promotion I didn't deserve in the first place. I don't know how I will ever forgive myself. How I can look my family in the eye again, myself in the mirror.

The many people I have killed in the name of blood purity, to follow a mad man whose only interests were power and avarice. My Merln, if he had won, I shudder to think what would have become of us. I hardly think he would have stopped in England. There were already plans brewing in other countries. Come to think of it, maybe it will help my case if I give information about this. For once I will give information rather than taking it for my own use.

My poor dear friend Severus, I have perhaps wronged you most of all. My friendship was not freely offered, always strings attached. I did not take care of you as I should have, only gave you what directly benefitted me. My worst sin of all was to introduce you to that monster. You, even though you didn't agree with what I believed, we both knew it, still treated me as friend. You risked your life every day to fight for what you knew was right and just and have paid for it with your life. Never did you know true love or have a family. Now I cannot honor the only thing you have ever asked me to do for you in the last twenty years. I hope the Granger girl will honor her word, though I feel sure she will.

My trial is next week. Cissy will not come, it is too much for her. If I am granted a reprieve I will go to France and beg her to take me back. I do not expect it on either count. It is best that Cissy and Draco are not here. They will not have to share in my humiliation and rightfully so. It would be proper punishment for me to have to sit in Azkaban and have to recount my miserable life over and over for as long as I shall live. I deserve no better. I only hope that one day those I love, and those that I have wronged will forgive me, as I don't believe I can ever forgive myself.


End file.
